It’s happening again. And I’m so utterly excited and thankful. Life has presented me with a challenge, and God has birthed in my heart a craving to grow.
The desire and motivation are a gift. I didn’t design it nor can I contain it.
This happened once before, a little over 7 years ago. I wrote about my desire to change, to fix a character flaw. It was truly the beginning of my blogging journey as well. I had no idea that writing my way through that year would serve to fundamentally define me as a writer.
Isn’t that just the way God works? Those mysterious ways that come upon us, altering us in areas beyond imagination.
Last year, I tried to manufacture my growth by setting up a reading challenge full of deep and delightful titles. But even while creating the list, I could feel my own distance – reluctance that I ignored because I wanted to teach myself a lesson in discipline. I was tricked by my own success with growing productively into believing that I could force growth in any area. I didn’t honor my limits, I wasn’t being gracious with my weakness, I over estimated my strengths.
I was sick of being held back. I thought pushing through, trying harder, and thinking big would free me from my own struggle with my brain.
Dealing with my ADD brain can be tricky. Sometimes I do need to “sit myself down” and “obey the list.” I’m learning that I can only make progress through this type of firmness in the area of productivity not the area of contemplation. I need to budget my energy to fuel these two parts of my mind (there’s a post brewing on this topic…). I’m realizing again that God gave me this brain with all of it’s limits and talents for His purposes to be used in His timing.
So, I’m excited for this year and the growth I can see up ahead, but I’m not ashamed of last year’s “failure” because I recognized an important, personal limitation and learned to respect it. More on this later.
For now, I can see that the challenge in my life is CHANGE. There is change all around me. My kids are all coming out of a coasting season. Their interests, competencies, and complexities are on the rise. Taking just this area of change into view, I see that I will have to change in order to rise to the occasion of being the kind of mother I want to be for my loves.
Questions: How can I rise to the occasion on my own? What strength or talent do I possess that will allow for personal growth? Can I contain or conjure up a motive that will sustain growth over a long period of time?
Answers: I can’t. Nothing. No.
What gives? Why am I excited if I can’t do this on my own? Exactly because the desire, strength, motive aren’t coming from my decision, I can trust that I won’t have to worry about controlling or maintaining them.
It’s like the “Field of Dreams.” I feel like the Lord is showing me how much great change is ahead of me, and all I have to do is pick up the book and read. He will grow me from the inside.
And He already has. Since the beginning of 2017, I’ve been reading. I’ll do my best to share the most of what I gain from the titles this year. And I’ll keep the list here as a reference.
Books read in 2017 (I’ll link the ones I review):
- BFG by Roald Dahl*
- Gifted: Raising Children Intentionally by Chris Davis
- Boundaries with Kids by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
- Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist
- Peter Nimble and His Fantastic Eyes by Jonathan Auxier
- Trim Healthy Mama Cookbook by Pearl & Serene
- Simply Tuesday by Emily Freeman
- Currently reading: Money Making Mom by Crystal Paine, The Night Gardener, Peter Nimble (out loud with my kids now), The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, The Well-Educated Mind by Susan Wise Bauer
Are you interested in following me in this process of change through reading? I’m ready to really GROW. Let me know in the comments what books you’re reading and what you recommend! Who doesn’t want to GROW their TBR list even more? ;)
Here’s my Amazon list for easy reference. If you make a purchase, Amazon thanks me at no cost to you.
* Audio book